Off and away
After spending a few minutes chatting with my watier about a hereto unknown scandal involving one of their Congressmen and prostitution I'm getting set to head off towards Texas, land of our fore fathers, well not really, but it seemed an appropriate way to describe Texas. After all it is the home of our President.
Thinking about what somebody said to me earlier today, I would have to say that I am indeed a bit empty on the inside. I mean looking around it would be so easy and trouble free for me to fall into mediocrity. Completely unknown and looked over. I don't know if this would make me happy or if perhaps when I broke out of that spell I would have realized how much time I wasted. If I dont strive for mediocrity then I am far off from where I need to be. But unfortunately, or fortunately, I guess depending on how you look at it the potential is there.
It's lurking underneath the surface and usually when push comes to shove it shines through, but in such cases the circumstances of the situation completely determine my actions and so it really isnt so much free will. Its only free will in the sense that I get myself into these situations in the first place, but most of them are created through in action, so I guess it is free will but the absence of decision making that is creating these situations and so they arent really tests and they dont really progress. All they really do is time and time again confirm that I do have a lot of potential for a lot of things, but I dont really actively pursue any of it in any direction.
And a person who takes no direction would in essence be empty. Like a boat out on the open sea with no heading and its sail blowing in the wind. Wherever the wind takes it is where it will be, and so that's to a large extent how the last few years have happened. This road trip was to create a bit of my own direction. So far I can say that it has confirmed my original estimations of the situation but I have yet to really take action. I mean I have in some small regards of course but there is much to do.
I really dont want to spend all of my time on this road trip thinking and being introspective because that will of course mean that I will miss a lot of whats going on around me and at the same time, it will drive me to insanity as it has in the past.
But its hard to escape when you are here alone, by yourself on this journey, because there is no one around you to take your mind off of things so its basically up to you to create your own adventures. The Rally racing was one adventure but after the first day it was already known, and so it was no longer new and exciting. I of course enjoyed the actual driving of the car and learning various things about Rally in general, but in terms of my progress on the road trip it was all completed within the first day. If not even sooner.
Perhaps the reason I felt no excitement or anxiety about it is because everything I learned from pushing myself to take the course was accomplished by simply calling the place and making a reservation and heading out on the road.
That first day that I was on the road and the live earth concert was playing was magical and very uplifting and I suppose it was so because it was definitely a step against inertia and it was a heading in a direction that I had always wanted to venture in. But Rallying was really part of who I am, I know I have natural inclinations towards it so it wasn't that challenging and ultimately it wasn't that rewarding. Because I need to venture into areas where I am unsure of myself.
Or perhaps thats a lie too, because before I took the course I was unsure of my Rallying and yet when I was in it, it all came naturally, so perhaps will other aspects of the directions I want to head in. But of course those directions have to be taken in order to experience those things, and at the same time I suppose I know already which would be truly the hardest.
It seems a bit of introspective thought isn't entirely a bad thing, as long as it has a good heading.
Hrm, that is definitely something for me to ponder on the road heading West, and maybe I'll have a bit clearer of an understanding of what is that I wish to do, even though I'm sure I already know it, just refuse to admit to myself or commit myself to those notions and ideas.
Commitment.
Now that's a scary word for me. That is probably a very large part of it. Wait, I'm sure it is a very large part. Definitely a large piece of the puzzle.